Unbreakable Me

Things do not always go as planned. I trained, practiced, worked hard, and made it through form, applications, and even weapons in my karate promotion to receive my brown belt....All I needed was to break two simple boards, something I had done many times before. My step up side kick was strong...I had never failed to break with a kick. But I was nervous. I had been struggling with my palm heel strike, unable to break the board with any hand strike since I returned from vacation nearly a month ago. 

(This is a photo of my daughter's first board break.)

My final test before receiving my brown belt....I did two practice kicks and two practice strikes off to the side of the board. They were strong. I stepped up to my board to kick first, since I was confident I would easily smash through the board with my kick. My plan was to harness that energy into my palm heel strike and smash the second board. I kicked once, hitting with the wrong part of my foot. (What just happened? I've never done that.) Frazzled, I set myself up again, and kicked a second time, striking with the heel but my frazzled energy must have messed up the force, because it still didn't break. (How could this be? I've ALWAYS been able to break with this kick.) So much for harnessing the energy, I walked over to my other board, refusing to allow both boards to defeat me. I guess I was upset enough with that other board that I took it out on this one, because I smashed it with my first strike. One last chance on the kick...I set myself up again, and kicked. I actually heard it crack....but it did not break. I bowed to my board holders and my teachers, still uncertain of what had just happened and how I was feeling. I was not going to rank advance. My daughter received her brown belt just a few nights prior, and my husband was receiving his brown belt that night, but I was not. My fellow red belts were moving on, but I was not.....not yet anyway. 

I sat down next to my karate friends and knew that although I did not break both boards that night, I did conquer the board that had given me grief for so long, and I felt good about that. I also realized that I have been given two more months to work harder, practice more, and break more boards in order to finally get my brown belt. The extra work and effort will make that achievement even more meaningful. 

I know the feeling of not advancing, and now with every board break I will see that brown belt tied around my waist. With every board break, I will see the black belt that is waiting for me on the wall of my school, and know that this is just one step not only in my advancement as a karate student, but also as my advancement as a person. I have felt defeat, but I have not allowed it to defeat me. It is my hope that my children will better know how to handle disappointment in their own lives from watching how I handled my own disappointment, and I know I will be stronger because of this experience.